Confession of Selfishness

During lunch today, I was reading Chris Brady's article titled “Giving” in the book Leadership: Tidbits and Treasures, which he co-wrote with Orrin Woodward. I was struck by the following the paragraph:

“Generosity knows no calculation. It knows nothing about “self.” It is the gracious outpouring of the heart that results in material aid, spiritual assistance, caring, and love freely given to someone else who is in no position to repay the favor in any way. True generosity is the hallmark of a mature leader’s heart.”

Now, here is the confession part – if there is one thing that I struggle with continually, it is selfishness. Not necessarily of an aggressive nature. I will compromise, not because it is of benefit to the other person, but to avoid any unpleasantness that I dislike facing. I may be sneakily selfish by taking the best piece of pie for myself. I may calculate how I will appear or what others will think of me when I do something for someone else. I like to shop for myself more than my kids (I can hear the other mothers gasping out loud.). Any lesson I deliver to my kids about being selfish, wanting to go first or have a longer turn … is as much for my benefit as it is for theirs.


A little over a year ago, I came across an idea, in a devotional, that has been my mantra…I am slowly plastering it around our home so that we can all be directed by it. In her December 29th entry of her devotional, Morning Jam Sessions, Betty Malz wrote “In Sunday School, they taught me that real JOY was Jesus, Others, You and in that order!” This has helped me teach our children about priorities. It has helped me with my own attitude issues when they need adjusting. And it works! When I don’t want to serve someone else, I remember that I should serve them out of love for serving Jesus…no matter how deserving they are or are not. Now this will always be a work in progress for me, because I am human (Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God). But I have guidance and will keep moving forward.


So, I will let someone else have the fries that fall to the bottom of the McDonald’s bag. I will do laundry for others, even if I am not out of clothes. And, I will watch the movie that he wants to watch. The little daily victories will lead to the habit of true generosity.

Note: I made an error about the author of the referenced article titled "Giving". It has been corrected. My apologies.

Counting Blessings

Well, the holiday season has wrapped up ... the decorations have come down ... and we have a little more daylight everyday (we have to hang on to something in Michigan). You have probably been bombarded with lots of warm and fuzzy messages in the past couple of months... but have you really taken them in and reflected on what there is to be thankful for ... what are your blessings? We just returned from a family vacation to America's southwest. Our various travels and activities really gave me some things for which to be grateful. (Side note: I hate trying not to end a sentence with a preposition. Who made up that rule? Is it Biblical? Am I jeopardizing someone’s moral standing by exposing them to such grammar? I may start to look for them in the Bible so I know if it is immoral. Back to our program…)

First of all, just consider the blessing of Family -- people who you love and that love you, regardless of your past or weirdness. Just having those people that you can be you with is great. There are so many broken homes ... kids in the foster care system ... messed up priorities. Be thankful for your family and all of the good and bad that go along with it.

Be thankful that you are an American citizen and live in THE United States of America. Early in our trip, we drove from San Diego over to Arizona. There was a point along the highway where you could see the Mexican border, the fence, and U.S. Border Patrol vehicles patrolling the landscape. We went through a few Border Patrol checkpoints. It really brought home to me how easy it is to take where I live and how I live, with all of our freedoms, for granted. I didn't have to sneak into the US or fill out an application. I was blessed to be born here ... through no effort or talent on my part. During another activity of our trip, we had the privilege of getting a view at some of our naval fleet. It took my breath away to consider those that have served and those that serve today. Be thankful for these brave souls. Be thankful for our country and be thankful for what it REALLY means to be an American.

Our entire trip was punctuated at various points with the opportunity to just ponder God's imagination and His mercy to share it with us. We drove through the mountains. We drove through the desert. We saw snow in the desert -- very cool! We saw migrating gray whales just outside the harbor of San Diego. We experienced our smallness and His Greatness in all of those places. At the San Diego Wild Animal Park (better than the zoo, IMO), we could marvel at His creativity, and His sense of humor perhaps, as we saw giraffes with necks that reach up to the sky and rhinos wearing their own armor. It all made me think about the Garden of Eden and how it must have been for Adam to meet each of these creatures and assign them names. How did he pick them? And isn't it funny how each name fits its owner. What a blessing to see them and to experience them with those I care about most.

But those are easy topics to pinpoint blessings, aren't they? What blessings do we have that we don't think of until, they are gone or threatened?

This Christmas, we received a beautiful framed cross-stitch project from my mother-in-law. This was project of love and thankfulness after a surgery that improved her vision enough to return to a beloved hobby. My friend, Terri, had surgery to remove a brain tumor that was threatening her ability to swallow and smile. Are you thankful for the ability to see, hear, swallow, smile, walk, dance, run? Have you recognized the blessing of your health and abilities? How about those of your family and friends?

And what about the blessings of life’s lessons? The ones that teach you flexibility, time management, money management, people skills, thankfulness, selflessness, patience, discipline, self-control, priorities, hope, the value of others, the extent of your personal knowledge and wisdom, and faith. Be thankful and remember to learn the lesson because “lesson repeated until lesson learned”.

There are blessings to be found in every day, every experience. It may take some looking, but they are there. Get in the habit of remembering them each night before you go to sleep and thanking God for them.

Who Lives in Your House?

I love being a homeschooling mom! The time I get to spend with my three girls is priceless to me. But, as much as I love being with them, there are times when I'm just trying to survive the day and I can get bogged down with the short term vision of parenting. What's the short term vision of parenting? Any practice or method that makes life easier for me or is more convenient... such as lightening up on a discipline issue or letting a behavior or habit slide or not being persistent in training of a life skill. It's at those times, I really need to dig deep and remember the long term vision. These are not just kids living in my house that I need to manage moment-to-moment. These girls are someone's future wife and mom, and I better make sure they are prepared.

In our culture, parents spend a lot of time planning and investing in their kids academic and professional futures. If we provide the right access to some athletic training, maybe they will get a scholarship. If their grades are high enough, perhaps they will be accepted at the right college. If they are in enough extracurricular activities, they will be considered well-rounded by a future admissions board or employer. Now, I am not saying that we shouldn't be concerned about our kids' ability to sustain themselves and their future families financially. I'm not saying they should not be involved in different pursuits. I am pointing out, though, that we parents pile a lot of resources in those areas never wondering if they will be just as prepared to have a happy, healthy marriage or to be a great parent to our future grandchildren.

Let's face it. We have all heard that few people on their deathbed wish they had spent more time working on their job. Instead they think about their relationships...either remembering fondly or drowning in regret. Let's spend as much, if certainly not more, on preparing our kids for the most important earthly relationships they will have as we do on preparing them for a full time job.

How do we prepare them? Well, how are you doing in your marriage? You are their primary example. Would you wish a marriage like yours onto your kids? Well, that's where they are learning what to expect out of marriage. How do you treat your spouse? How is conflict resolved in your house? Does a serving attitude prevail or a selfish one? They should understand that having a great marriage takes work, so that they don't quit when it's not easy. They should understand that their spouse is their teammate, not their support staff. I recommend books such as The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I also have personally enjoyed anything by Elizabeth George -- A Woman After God's Own Heart, A Wife After God's Own Heart, A Mom After God's Own Heart, A Woman's Walk with God. These books will go a long way in giving you a vision of how great marriage can be and some tools on how to get there -- and they have way more useful info than Dr. Phil, Oprah, et al. I know...you don't like to read... or you don't have time to read...or you only like fiction. Isn't the most important earthly relationship you have worth the time invested of getting to understand it better and maybe acquire some insight on how to improve it? If you already have a "good" marriage, don't you want a great one? Don't your kids deserve your efforts at making marriage a priority? What life skills will you be teaching them through your marriage? And, who says you have to devote hours each day reading marriage books? Just spend 15 minutes at a time in it. It will be worth it.

Now, we have the kids enrolled in our own little marriage workshop, preparing them to be great spouses by having front row seats to your wonderful marriage. {Side benefit to all this ("What's in it for me?") -- they will be better prepared to choose great spouses too (aka "in-laws).] Now we have to consider if we have done our job of preparing them to be parents. Again, I ask you how you are doing? Would you want them to treat your grandkids the way you treat your kids? Do you pour time into your kids ... your time ... or keep them so busy with other types of teachers that you don't have a chance to teach your values? Do you teach principles, in word and action and example, holding the bar high for your kids? Do you tolerate bad behavior issues because "it's hard" to be consistent or you are tired? Do you worry about being their friend now ... instead of being their parent? Do your kids know they are a priority or feel like they are a bother? I know that it is a lot of work to be a parent. It takes endurance and vigilance. But take your eyes off the daily grind and recognize that this season in your life is relatively short when considered in the context of your whole life. It will fly by before you know it. Be their parent now ... their friend when they are adults. When the foundation is right, you will get lots of parent-child friendship moments and memories. I recommend any of Dr. James Dobson's books, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes...in You and Your Kids! by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp. (Please see previous paragraph for benefits of reading such books.)

One last tool, the most important, to help you is prayer! Pray when you are tired! Pray for the right words and wisdom! Pray for efforts to be rewarded! Pray that you are acting in accordance to God's will! Pray about everything surrounding your marriage, parenting, home, family! Scripture teaches us that He cares about every minute detail in our lives ... so invite Him in. He will help you in preparing your kids for the blessed life He has designed for them.

Now...if I could just my husband to recognize that his three girls will grow up, date and get married someday...

If Jesus Received Three Gifts ...

A few years ago, I read an article about gift giving at Christmas. I wish I could give credit where credit is due, because this was not my original idea. I have seen it shared in other places, though, since I first found it so it may not be that uncommon. Anyhow, the article presented an idea that seemed so obvious to me, but had not occurred to me up to that point in my parenting life and Bible study. I share it now in the hopes that it helps another parent during this commercialized time of year.

It always seemed a bit of a struggle to know where to cut off the buying for the kids. “Oh, she would love that!” “That would look adorable on her!” “She can always use one more pair of pjs!” You get the picture. The article referenced the story shared in Matthew 2:11. After the birth of Jesus, wise men saw the appearance of a star and followed it until they found Mary and her son, the King of kings. They brought three gifts along – gold, frankincense and myrrh. Before I share how we apply this in our home during Christmas, let me digress a moment to share what I have learned about this event shared in Scripture.

Do you know that we don’t really know how many wise men came to visit Jesus? We all think there were three because of the number of gifts. The Bible never says. Biblical scholars, though, believe there were probably more, travelling with a huge entourage.

Have you ever considered why the Magi presented those gifts? Well, they were all expensive. Perfect for financing an escape and stay into Egypt so that King Herod would not be able to find the Savior child and kill him. It’s so cool to see how God provides, because Mary and Joseph were too poor to accomplish such a mission on their own.

These three gifts, also, are often interpreted as a foreshadowing of Jesus’ life. From Halley’s Bible Handbook: “The gold, representing royalty, foretells Jesus as King. The incense, symbolic of the prayers of the high priests rising up to heaven, foretells Jesus as High Priest. The myrrh, often used as burial oil, foretells Jesus’ death.” It always amazes me how much really gets crammed into one little Bible verse. All right … back to our application …

So, Jesus – Son of God, Prince of Peace, Lord of lords – got three gifts. Three gifts. If Jesus got three gifts to celebrate His birth, why would my kids need more? So we started a new tradition. We get them each three gifts from ourselves. One is usually practical (i.e. clothes), one is something fun and just for them (i.e. toy) and the third is usually something for the whole family (i.e. tickets to a show or a game). Now they do still get one gift and stocking stuffers from Santa, but his gifts are never better than ours. (I’m competitive that way. I never give him the best ideas. :) )

On Christmas morning, we read Luke’s account of Jesus’ birth so that we can remain mindful of the “Reason for the Season”. We follow that up with Matthew’s story about the Magi’s travels and visit. We explain that that is why they receive three gifts from us. It helps us stay focused on Jesus, fiscally responsible in our gift giving, grounded in Scripture and teach our girls the same principles for when they are parents someday.

What Christmas traditions do you and your family practice? I’d love to hear how you make this season special. Let me close in wishing you and yours a Merry Christmas as we celebrate Jesus’ birth.

Sudoku Life Lessons

Hi. My name is Tracey and I am a Sudoku-holic. I basically binge Sudoku – a lot over a couple of days and then I lay off for awhile. The binges are usually aligned with long car trips and late night movies with scenes I don’t care to watch closely (those epic battle scenes with flying body parts and gore). I have learned some great life lessons as I “ku” (a verb I have coined for the act of solving Sudoku puzzles – you may use it yourself; I only ask that you give me credit three times and then it’s yours).

First, take risks. I have learned this by solving the puzzles in ink. I used to use pencil, but where’s the danger and excitement in that? It usually works out okay, but on those rare occasions when I do have an error (gasp!) I have learned to get back at it and try again. Oh, the victory in finding the mistake and moving on to solving the puzzle! And when it looks like I have more than one error (multi-gasp!), I just trash the whole puzzle and start a new one. After all, it’s only paper, people!

Second, take a break. Ever have one of those puzzles (problems) where you feel that you have looked at all avenues yet you are at a standstill? You are frustrated, your eyes are crossed and your head is beginning to ache. You keep counting from 1 to 9 in any foreign language you know, as if that will help. Here’s the solution: slowly put the puzzle and writing instrument down and back away slowly. Go do something else. When you come back to it, you will not believe what you had missed before and will move on to solve the puzzle (problem). Can’t this be applied to many of those little irritating situations in life? Take a break…say a prayer…don’t rush it … and the right answer/decision/solution will appear.

:)

P.S. How many of you are trying to solve the puzzle above?

Some Thanksgiving Thoughts

Just some brief Thanksgiving thoughts ...

As seen on a church sign recently -- "A life of Thanksgiving is Thanks-Living." Isn't that what we should strive for each day? Give thanks for something, anything.

In her devotion "Morning Jam Sessions" Betty Malz wrote that "there must be sprinkled a few disappointments here and there to make us thankful for the blessings." How true! Don't the blessings and good times become sweeter when given some perspective against some tough times? Don't we appreciate our health a little more after suffering a bug or seeing someone with health challenges?

And, "if we can't be thankful for what we receive, we should be thankful for what we escape," adds Malz. Given the problems that we currently have, consider what problems we could have. She goes on to remind us to be thankful for your car; be thankful for your food. There are certainly multitudes of people enduring some situation this very moment that is more dire than yours.

The great British preacher C. H. Spurgeon said "When we bless God for mercies we prolong them, and when we bless Him for miseries we usually end them." I don't know that he meant the problems would literally go away, but when you thank God for the trials and the lessons they bring, they may not seem so formidable. It's also in those dark times that we find out what we are made of and our blessings are illuminated. Remember that our God is bigger than any problem and He equips you to get through anything.

Thanksgiving -- it contains twelve letters -- six for thanks plus six for giving.
(Malz, again)

Ephesians 5:20 -- Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 -- Give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus

Finally, I received an email this week that contained a special Thanksgiving message from Chick Moorman and Thomas Hollar, authors of "The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose". Here are some excerpts. (Talk about finding the silver linings ... amen.)

Millions of parents will pause this Thanksgiving to do what the day was originally created for --- give thanks for the many blessings that exist in their lives. Turkey, pumpkin pie, and the presence of loved ones will receive their fair share of gratitude during this annual ritual of appreciation. Many parents will also give thanks for their children's health, the arrival of a newborn, or a recent marriage. The abundance provided by the universe, opportunities for meaningful work, and the laughter of children will be acknowledged with gratitude by loving parents as they thank the creator for their blessings. Indeed, this traditional day calls for a traditional thank-you.

But what if your appreciation this Thanksgiving took on a new look? What if the blessings you count this year included situations that aren't usually regarded as helpful, useful or valuable? Consider the following.

Why not be thankful that your child is two years behind grade level in his reading ability? This struggling reader is giving you the opportunity to read to him regularly at night. This evening ritual will help build connectedness between you and your child while at the same time modeling your love for the printed word. Great literature like The Little Engine That Could or The Diary of Anne Frank can be shared as you simultaneously bond with your child. This opportunity is an incredible blessing. Appreciate it.

Why not be thankful that your daughter's soccer team lost their last game? It is important that your children have experiences of both winning and losing. By losing, children have the opportunity to learn to handle defeat and bounce back next time. With your help, they can learn that winning or losing is not the measure of who and what they are as human beings. They can learn they are more than the score. They can learn that it's effort, energy, and playing up to potential with good sportsmanship that defines a winner, not the scoreboard. Appreciate the opportunity the loss brings and be grateful for it.

Why not be thankful that your teenager received a speeding ticked for going 45 mph in a 25 mph speed zone? Getting a ticket is not a bad thing. Not if your teen learns from it and slows her driving for the next year. If she takes personal responsibility, pays the ticket, and is more cautious about her driving, the ticket may well save her life or the life of someone else in the future. Bless the ticket and give thanks for its blessings.

Why not be thankful that your 8-year-old shoplifted in the grocery store? This is the perfect time to teach your child about shoplifting. Better now than when he helps himself to someone else's car when he is 18. Teach him how to make amends. Teach him what to say as he returns the candy bars to the storeowner. Help him learn to articulate what he learned and what he intends to do differently next time. Bless this perfect time to teach lessons about taking things that don't belong to you. Be grateful for the opportunity.

Why not be thankful that your youngsters track mud and sand into the garage and house? The next time you stand in the garage furiously sweeping sand and wishing that your children were better behaved, quietly remind yourself that one day you'll wish you had sand to sweep out of the garage. Love the mud. Love the sand. Be grateful for the signs of the presence of children in your life.

Why not be thankful for sibling rivalry? "He got more than I did" and "It isn't fair" are common childhood refrains. Hitting, poking and teasing your sister are typical childhood behaviors. Bless these opportunities to help your children learn how to get along with each other. Use them as times to teach interpersonal skills and the importance of touching each other gently. Sibling rivalry is a call for help, a signal that your children need lessons on how to interact positively with each other. Bless their unskillful way of asking for help. Be grateful that you recognize it and help them grow in working and playing cooperatively.

Why not be thankful that you got to stay home with a sick child last week? You didn't have to stay home. You got to stay home. You didn't have to take him to the doctor. You got to take him to the doctor. You got to make sure he received the health care he needed. You got to show him you care enough to drive all over town to the doctors, the pharmacists and back home again. You got to be with your boy while he was sick. Not everyone gets to be with their children when they are sick. You did. Chalk it up as a blessing. Celebrate it this Thanksgiving.

Why not be thankful that your 20-year-old has moved out of your home? Did you really want to raise a 30-year-old Nintendo player who sits around your house all day sucking up diet Pepsi and pizza? Hardly! Your goal was to raise a responsible, caring, confident child who would move away from home when the time was right for her. You have been successful. Pat yourself on the back. Yes, it would nice if she had chosen to spend this Thanksgiving with you rather than with her boyfriend's parents. Maybe next year. This year give thanks. Your child is an adult. That is a blessing.

Why not give thanks that your child is spilling milk, talking with his mouth full, wiping cranberry sauce on his new pants, refusing to eat his vegetables, and interrupting his grandmother at the dinner table this day? It means you have more work to do as a parent. It means your job is not yet done. This is a blessing. You are still needed to help your child learn to pour milk more carefully, improve his table manners, learn to eat nutritiously, and show respect for elders. Give thanks for these opportunities.

Why not be thankful for your special-needs child? Do you have a child with ADHD? Is your son autistic or dyslexic? Does your daughter have Down's syndrome? Is your child facing a serious health challenge? Your children are in your life for a reason. Perhaps they have come to help you learn patience, understanding, or commitment. Perhaps they are here to teach your family about tolerance, acceptance of differences, or unconditional love. Their presence is a blessing. Be thankful for the contribution they are making to the planet and to your family.

This Thanksgiving remember that parenting is a ministry. It is a sacred role that you are being called to perform. Give thanks that you have been called. Give thanks that you are willing to step forward and accept that call. Appreciate that you are being shown the way. Celebrate yourself and your contribution to healing the planet by helping your children evolve into the people they were meant to be. You are a blessing to the world. Give thanks that you are up to the task.

So, what do you have to be thankful for?

Go Camping!

Before I get knee deep into this one, let me explain that no one will ever accuse me of being the "outdoorsy" type. When I dream of relaxation, I am immediately transported mentally to a spa-like environment where the words "pamper" and "spoil" are in the mission statement. And, no one will ever accuse me of being especially wild-life tolerant. I'm not the parent that has to see the whole zoo, whether it is fiscally responsible or not. And don't even get me started talking about bugs and anything that could fit in the "creepy crawlie" category.

I do have some camping in my history -- as a kid and as a newlywed. The latter camping experiences were really more about the adventures attached to them -- whitewater rafting, canoeing or riding the Sea-Doos (want to send a shout out to the Six Pack!). It's the memories from the former that inspired us to consider investing in a pop-up camper.


We have a tent from those early camping days, but there is no way that our family of five would fit amicably, let alone comfortably, in that tent beyond the occasional backyard foray (where the kitchen and bathroom are handy, and there is no need for luggage). So, based upon Jeff's memories of the illustrious pop-up camper (quite the clever design, speaking as an engineer) and knowing it would not cost a king's fortune to get a decent used one, we started looking.

We checked out a couple alongside the road for sale last year. We didn't quite agree on how big it should be or the required attributes (remember, I am "spa-girl"), so needless to say, my pre-requisites were costlier and, therefore, eliminated anything that I liked from the pickings. This past spring, Jeff heard of someone at work selling their pop-up camper. When Jeff asked him about it, he offered to let us take it for a weekend to try it out before buying it. Bonus! So, we booked a weekend at Holly Recreation Area and made plans to go camping. Meanwhile, we had heard of another camper that one of my in-laws' neighbors was selling. But, we felt some loyalty to the first seller because of the "test camp" he had offered us. Well, Jeff brought that unit home and ...let me put it this way... I believe we doubled it's value just by cleaning it up a little. So, we high-tailed it over to the in-laws' neighborhood and bought the other camper --after all, we had reservations.


Now, my kids' idea of a camper was a 34 foot fifth wheel with 3 slide-outs that one set of their grandparents live in out west during the winter months. They were surprised to find out that that was not quite the category our little vacation home fell into. So they entered our first weekend a bit skeptical about this whole camping thing. But we have had nothing but fun (everything is fun given enough time to heal and gain perspective) and special memories ever since.

We have survived the rain with no leaks (Yeah! You just know we were sweating that one as a consequence of buying a "previously owned" unit). We have setup in the rain. We have found wild animal paw prints on our table in the morning. One child has already puked in the camper (thank goodness it is so open and airy). Jeff has been poked in the face with a burning stick (the result of the new game he taught the girls -- for the record, it was the 2 year old that got him). This was a great reminder that there is usually a good story behind every rule. Our marriage has been strengthened through the forging processes of planning, packing, going, setting up, camping, packing up, going home and unpacking. The girls have been able to learn some life skills that we don't address at home (I don't ever wash dishes by hand at home. I can't avoid it when we are camping.) The girls have been given more accountability and freedom. They have met new friends and we have been able to watch their hearts in action as they are faced with others who don't have the same worldview we do. As they meet new people with different family situations, we are able to discuss the blessings we have as a family. And, while some kids are running around the park late into the evening, we always end the nights as a family by the fire with s'mores and games. We have fun developing our own routines -- pancakes and bacon for breakfast (I promised I would not fix it all winter so that they will look forward to it again next summer). We get to see new places together and enjoy an ice cream in every one of them. And being away from home where our "have-tos" seem to nag at us, we can spend the afternoon hanging out at the playground or the beach. We've had great times camping with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, too. We've lost goggles at the bottom of Bluegill Lake and Jeff, with his superhero strength, annihilated my dollar store broom on its maiden voyage (but he got to engineer a new one). We've seen sunrises and sunsets, getting to marvel each time at some part of God's creation. It was a great summer!

Now, I said all that to say this -- go camping with your family! You will not come back from even a one-night trip without some special memory. It provides great time with your kids and your spouse, each of you learning something from one another, whether it is a life lesson or perspective. I'll be honest -- it's not as relaxing as the spa, or even as camping without kids, but it is fun and it is so worth it!